So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
