just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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