Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
