WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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