Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
