There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
