The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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