She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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