Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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