I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
