I need help removing her.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
