i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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