Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
