he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
