I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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