Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
