So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Randomize
