I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
