totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
