I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
