By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
