People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize