And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
