I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
