I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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