I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
