I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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