Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
