Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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