if i can run in heels then i can drive
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
