I wish they made helmets for livers.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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