you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Reggie can tackle my bush.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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