I just pynch a tree in the face
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
