dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
