I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
