my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
