I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
