I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
