i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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