i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
