Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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