Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
