Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
