You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
no, he came in my armpit
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
