she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Bring me that man meat
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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