Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
