I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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