I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
