True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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