the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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