wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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