I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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