I think I died a long time ago.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
