why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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