I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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