Got a toothbrush?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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