If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
sex in a hospital.. check
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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