i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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