im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
