dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
