He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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