Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
