if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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