I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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