we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize